March 26 2007

Whats good comes of it all?
To scream, oh what a beautiful idea. To feel the air leave your lungs, and your ears to ring and the tears to come. The tears, no longer slaves to the thought of upsetting others, not to care, just to be, to scream, adn to cry and to feel. These thoughts take root in my mind, like a flowering spring tree that grows in a grove of pines, not belonging, but still beautiful. With its individuality comes a need to refresh, to let the rains come, like my tears.
At this point im sure my ramblings are nothing new. If you are still reading to this point, A: i am amazed, and B: You must truley have become accustomed to my blathering. But these events I am about to write about, may actualy be of some interest. Concidering they are part of a continueing scandalous and rather forbiden (in a sense) love story. Though the love story is in no resemblence or quality to that of Romeo and Juliette, nor Tristan and Isolde, it in its own sense has its own twistedness and depth.
I am entwined. As I would like to put it, tangled in a web, of somthing far more dangerouse than lies, I am tangled in secrets......in hidden smiles and broken hearted tears. you would think that the small confused and insignifacant strugglings of a teenage girl would mean nothing to the world, and they do...mean nothing that is. But I feel that in need to understand myself, i must explain it to others, though i know not how long has passed since this was written, nor who is reading, it may even be me who is reading this. Sitting next to a fire, or in my husbands arms, or perhaps in a hospitol bed, watching reruns of I love lucy on micro chips and holographic tv's.
Perhaps I should get to the point? I should start from the beggining, but I shant, sorry. To go back 4 years and start there would be much to much information for you to handle at one time. So i shall start at this past weekend. Keep in mind that this is not only a record of my romantic dealings, but of the important events I think deserve rememberance or recognition. (Wow i do ramble dont i?)
Wednesday I went to my first real funeral in many years. My friend Bobby's sister died, and I felt, even though I dont know him very well at all, that I must pay my respects. Partialy I was there to prove to myself though, that Bobby does note my existance, but more so I was there becuase of that silly string tied to a rib beneath my heart, and is attatched to every boy I find on my top 5 list. being empathetic, and sympathetic as i am, i find that my "Fallen angel brigade" instincts require me to help those who need it, wether they are deserving of it, or wanting it, or have no clue why I am giving it.
I cried, though i did not know her, she was beautiful, and I could tell by looking at the photos and seeing the spark in her eyes, and the smile on her lips that she was a very sepcial and loving girl. I know there is nothing you can say when someone loses somthing to make them feel any better, but one can always try in hopes of affording some consolation, wether it is just but saying it in your heart, or by actualy corresponding to thier face. I hope that my thoughts on Brittany as being a beautifull person afford some consolation to her and her family, though I say them only within my own heart.
Our family friends the R's arrived friday night, I dreaded them comming but I also was exited and happy. This weelend since then passed in a blur. Adam being as he always is, anoyed me and brought me to hate him as much as I love him. Last night I called him upstairs and kissed him full on the mouth to say good bye, but of course instead of getting those last few moments, my brother walks in and interupts. After enduring 15 whole minuits on trying to get him to leave, Adam became frustrated and left the room to watch a movie. I wanted so badly just to say what i wanted to him, ask what I wanted to ask of him, and kiss him one last time before another 2-3 stint of being lost and lonely. But no. This morning I woke up and with my final goodbyes to them , I made my attempts to get a moment alone with him once more. His mother told him to say good bye, he sat up on the bed, without even looking at me, said "Goodbye" and lay back down and went back to sleep.
If ever there is a moment you find your self insignificant it is in a moment such as this.
This evening the phone rang, and Tyler told me that he is moving to Georgia. In all likelyhood I shall never see him again, this breaks my heart, for he alone truly understands me, and treats me as If I am worth even some small ration of caring in this world. I love him, though i do not know in what way yet, and the moment I hung up the phone the tears came and i felt the pain I did myself those 6 months ago when I did the very same thing he is now faced with.
I have started and finished this entry now with tears, as I write this I have no more tears, but I wish for them to come, I want to scream, I wished to cry.-Pengrace