xmas is almost here

Christmas is almost here, only 2 days to go. I dont feel very festive though. Its been a really awfull year and soon it will be over. Im almost worse than i used to be, i dont think about killing myself but i do think about dieing alot, no way in particular, just different ways someone can die, and if i would mind if i did, who i would miss, stuff like that. It scares me sometimes. I know that i would not do somthing drastic or stupid, but i hate thinking these thoughts, i hate knowing that if i were to dissapear it would not bother me one bit, it would probably be a relief from failing people from screwing up and ruining every thing. Well thats all i wanted to say. Goodnight.
Pengrace