Christmas is almost here, only 2 days to go. I dont feel very festive though. Its been a really awfull year and soon it will be over. Im almost worse than i used to be, i dont think about killing myself but i do think about dieing alot, no way in particular, just different ways someone can die, and if i would mind if i did, who i would miss, stuff like that. It scares me sometimes. I know that i would not do somthing drastic or stupid, but i hate thinking these thoughts, i hate knowing that if i were to dissapear it would not bother me one bit, it would probably be a relief from failing people from screwing up and ruining every thing. Well thats all i wanted to say. Goodnight.
Pengrace
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
September 15 2007
BrokenJames broke up with me on Monday......yesterday was supposed to be our 3 month anniversary. Im sooooo upset, i only just started eating again...and i just....wow i dont know what to say about it. I was sad and then angry and then fine and then really pissed and then sad again...now i dont feel anything. We agreed to be friends....this should be interesting. His reasoning is soo retarded.
July 29 2007- Tired annoyed and unhappy
This weekend has been really really long, the "R- family" came up and we went sea-doing on the sound and stuff. My dad spent the weekend in the hospital becuase his blood pressure got really high, but he is home now and my mom is being a pain in the ass. Im soooo tired, i sprained my wrist and i have not seen james in ages becuase he went to boyscout camp.......*sigh*
July 19 2007
4 words worth waiting for
Yesterday James came over we played Sims 2 and cuddled on the floor in the living room. We watched disney channel lol corey in the house, hannah montana, and Suite life. I have no clue y lol . Well while sitting on the floor he started kissing me ( and i think its important to mention that this was infront of my little brother mind) Jordan did not notice for like 4 min, but in those four minuits James pulled back and looked at me, then he said the four words that are always worth waiting for "I love you." I could not believe it! I was OMFG!!! YAY and then i said that i love him to, and i do. He is so great, i mean the other night was our one month anniv. and i went to his house and we kissed in his pool and talked. Then he came back to my house and we cuddled on the couch to watch HP #1 becuase we were both going to see Harry Potter 5 in theaters on Sunday. I fell asleep in his arms and he held me tight and i woke up and he was smiling at me. Later he asked this in a conversation:
Jpokerking (12:20:22 AM): miss ya beautiful <3
Just2cuite(12:20:32 AM): miss you too <3 cant wait to see you
Jpokerking (12:20:35 AM): is it kk if i call ya that all the time?
Jpokerking(12:20:43 AM): i kinda like it
Just2cuite(12:20:46 AM): its perfectly fine lol
Jpokerking (12:20:48 AM): i can't wait either
Jpokerking (12:20:52 AM): awesome
Jpokerking (12:20:56 AM): beautiful
Just2cuite (12:21:10 AM): awesome lol <3 goodnight, sweet dreams
Jpokerking (12:21:15 AM): u 2
Jpokerking (12:21:17 AM): and i mean it
Just2cuite (12:21:25 AM): i had good dreams last night
Just2cuite (12:21:27 AM): *S*
Just2cuite (12:21:36 AM): so mabe i will tonight
Jpokerking (12:21:39 AM): what'd u dream about?
Just2cuite(12:22:11 AM): i dont really remember....but for once it was not scary or sad, i woke up smileing
Just2cuite (12:22:18 AM): i dont usually remember my good dreams
Jpokerking (12:22:21 AM): awesome
Just2cuite (12:22:22 AM): just that they were good
Just2cuite(12:22:29 AM): its was awesome
Jpokerking (12:22:31 AM): what'd u dream about while u were in my arms
Just2cuite(12:22:45 AM): feeling safe and happy
Jpokerking (12:22:56 AM): what happened in the dream
Jpokerking (12:23:08 AM): and u should always feel safe in my arms
Jpokerking (12:23:19 AM): nothing can happen to u there
Just2cuite(12:23:45 AM): i was dreaming about lieing in your arms oddly enough, and i felt more safe then i have felt in a really long time
Jpokerking(12:24:03 AM): awesome
Just2cuite(12:24:18 AM): and ill dream about the same thing tonight if i can, becuase thats my favorite dream now
Jpokerking (12:24:30 AM): awesome
Jpokerking (12:24:55 AM): i'd come over right now so we could do the same thing but it can't be helped
Just2cuite (12:25:06 AM): no sadly it cant
Jpokerking(12:25:09 AM): i'll promise u though we'll do it again in the near future though
Just2cuite(12:25:23 AM): cant wait, ill just have to imagine till them
Just2cuite(12:25:25 AM): * then
Jpokerking (12:25:40 AM): awesome
Just2cuite (12:26:14 AM): if you dont mind me asking before you go, what were you thinking while i was asleep in ur arms?
Just2cuite(12:26:44 AM): u dont have to answer, if you dont want to btw
Just2cuite(12:26:47 AM): just so you know
Jpokerking (12:26:58 AM): well
Jpokerking (12:27:07 AM): i felt like i could protect anyone
Jpokerking (12:27:14 AM): but u were the only one that mattered then
Jpokerking (12:27:42 AM): and i felt comforted at the same time that u could fall asleep in my arms twice in the same night
Just2cuite(12:28:03 AM): haha lol though i tried not to, i was just so tired and so happy
Just2cuite(12:28:10 AM): and comfertable
Just2cuite(12:28:14 AM): and safe
Just2cuite (12:28:19 AM): i sorta could not help it
Jpokerking(12:28:33 AM): that's great to hear
It was SOOOO COOL!!!!!!! and then this is yesterday after he told me he loved me for the first time.
JpokerkingX52 (5:54:39 PM): i love ya beautiful
Just2cuite4u (5:54:44 PM): I love you too
Im so happy. I feel safe and like i belong for the first time. Its just really......nice.
Yesterday James came over we played Sims 2 and cuddled on the floor in the living room. We watched disney channel lol corey in the house, hannah montana, and Suite life. I have no clue y lol . Well while sitting on the floor he started kissing me ( and i think its important to mention that this was infront of my little brother mind) Jordan did not notice for like 4 min, but in those four minuits James pulled back and looked at me, then he said the four words that are always worth waiting for "I love you." I could not believe it! I was OMFG!!! YAY and then i said that i love him to, and i do. He is so great, i mean the other night was our one month anniv. and i went to his house and we kissed in his pool and talked. Then he came back to my house and we cuddled on the couch to watch HP #1 becuase we were both going to see Harry Potter 5 in theaters on Sunday. I fell asleep in his arms and he held me tight and i woke up and he was smiling at me. Later he asked this in a conversation:
Jpokerking (12:20:22 AM): miss ya beautiful <3
Just2cuite(12:20:32 AM): miss you too <3 cant wait to see you
Jpokerking (12:20:35 AM): is it kk if i call ya that all the time?
Jpokerking(12:20:43 AM): i kinda like it
Just2cuite(12:20:46 AM): its perfectly fine lol
Jpokerking (12:20:48 AM): i can't wait either
Jpokerking (12:20:52 AM): awesome
Jpokerking (12:20:56 AM): beautiful
Just2cuite (12:21:10 AM): awesome lol <3 goodnight, sweet dreams
Jpokerking (12:21:15 AM): u 2
Jpokerking (12:21:17 AM): and i mean it
Just2cuite (12:21:25 AM): i had good dreams last night
Just2cuite (12:21:27 AM): *S*
Just2cuite (12:21:36 AM): so mabe i will tonight
Jpokerking (12:21:39 AM): what'd u dream about?
Just2cuite(12:22:11 AM): i dont really remember....but for once it was not scary or sad, i woke up smileing
Just2cuite (12:22:18 AM): i dont usually remember my good dreams
Jpokerking (12:22:21 AM): awesome
Just2cuite (12:22:22 AM): just that they were good
Just2cuite(12:22:29 AM): its was awesome
Jpokerking (12:22:31 AM): what'd u dream about while u were in my arms
Just2cuite(12:22:45 AM): feeling safe and happy
Jpokerking (12:22:56 AM): what happened in the dream
Jpokerking (12:23:08 AM): and u should always feel safe in my arms
Jpokerking (12:23:19 AM): nothing can happen to u there
Just2cuite(12:23:45 AM): i was dreaming about lieing in your arms oddly enough, and i felt more safe then i have felt in a really long time
Jpokerking(12:24:03 AM): awesome
Just2cuite(12:24:18 AM): and ill dream about the same thing tonight if i can, becuase thats my favorite dream now
Jpokerking (12:24:30 AM): awesome
Jpokerking (12:24:55 AM): i'd come over right now so we could do the same thing but it can't be helped
Just2cuite (12:25:06 AM): no sadly it cant
Jpokerking(12:25:09 AM): i'll promise u though we'll do it again in the near future though
Just2cuite(12:25:23 AM): cant wait, ill just have to imagine till them
Just2cuite(12:25:25 AM): * then
Jpokerking (12:25:40 AM): awesome
Just2cuite (12:26:14 AM): if you dont mind me asking before you go, what were you thinking while i was asleep in ur arms?
Just2cuite(12:26:44 AM): u dont have to answer, if you dont want to btw
Just2cuite(12:26:47 AM): just so you know
Jpokerking (12:26:58 AM): well
Jpokerking (12:27:07 AM): i felt like i could protect anyone
Jpokerking (12:27:14 AM): but u were the only one that mattered then
Jpokerking (12:27:42 AM): and i felt comforted at the same time that u could fall asleep in my arms twice in the same night
Just2cuite(12:28:03 AM): haha lol though i tried not to, i was just so tired and so happy
Just2cuite(12:28:10 AM): and comfertable
Just2cuite(12:28:14 AM): and safe
Just2cuite (12:28:19 AM): i sorta could not help it
Jpokerking(12:28:33 AM): that's great to hear
It was SOOOO COOL!!!!!!! and then this is yesterday after he told me he loved me for the first time.
JpokerkingX52 (5:54:39 PM): i love ya beautiful
Just2cuite4u (5:54:44 PM): I love you too
Im so happy. I feel safe and like i belong for the first time. Its just really......nice.
June 18 2007
Yay-ness
Catchup post for the events of
6-13-07 and 6-14-07
Thursday was the fund raiser for Chorus at Mcdonalds. James tachnically asked me out the night before lol but then he said that that did not count and that he would ask me out the next time he saw me. So we gave him a ride to the McDonalds thing, i sang and kate sang and then just as we were about to leave he sias "Wait......do you want to go out with me?" and I was like YES! lol
well Im REALLY HAPPY
here was the convo
Just2cuite4u (5:18:52 PM): neway...so what else would you like to know
JpokerkingX52 (5:19:02 PM): hmmmmmm
JpokerkingX52 (5:19:43 PM): do u want to hang out friday night
JpokerkingX52 (5:19:47 PM): just the two of us
Just2cuite4u (5:20:06 PM): i would love to....i just have to make sure i dont have plans
JpokerkingX52 (5:20:13 PM): me too actually
JpokerkingX52 (5:20:17 PM): i kinda did that on a whim
Just2cuite4u (5:20:32 PM): its ok lol what did you have in mind? if we can
JpokerkingX52 (5:20:50 PM): a date at friendly's maybe
Just2cuite4u (5:20:56 PM): sounds fun*S*
JpokerkingX52 (5:21:04 PM): just lately i've been feeling
JpokerkingX52 (5:21:08 PM): u know?
Just2cuite4u (5:21:59 PM): yea
Just2cuite4u (5:22:03 PM): i think lol
JpokerkingX52 (5:22:14 PM): I really like u
JpokerkingX52 (5:22:15 PM): like
JpokerkingX52 (5:22:17 PM): like u like
JpokerkingX52 (5:22:18 PM): u
JpokerkingX52 (5:22:32 PM): god i know that sounds so immature
JpokerkingX52 (5:22:40 PM): and i know that i shouldn't as u out of the computer
Just2cuite4u (5:22:41 PM): i really like you too....but u already knew that
Just2cuite4u (5:22:49 PM): lol nah its ok
JpokerkingX52 (5:23:03 PM): just so u know i didn't as u because i knew u liked me
JpokerkingX52 (5:23:09 PM): i just couldn't not
Just2cuite4u (5:23:21 PM): src="aolbart:/1024/id/2B00000259/3A2D44" unselectable="on">i know
JpokerkingX52 (5:23:27 PM): :d
JpokerkingX52 (5:23:28 PM): src="aolbart:/1024/id/0201E05FCA/3A2D44" unselectable="on">
Just2cuite4u (5:23:45 PM): well ill talk to my mom about our schedual friday, and let you know,
JpokerkingX52 (5:23:52 PM): so now that i've started
JpokerkingX52 (5:24:01 PM): wait
JpokerkingX52 (5:24:10 PM): i don't want to do this over the computer
JpokerkingX52 (5:24:20 PM): I'll as u next time i see u
Just2cuite4u (5:24:27 PM): oh ok lol
Just2cuite4u (5:24:35 PM): well you will be there tommarow night mabe?
JpokerkingX52 (5:24:43 PM): yea
Just2cuite4u (5:24:49 PM): me too probably
JpokerkingX52 (5:24:49 PM): in the afternoon
JpokerkingX52 (5:25:00 PM): i've got a test
Just2cuite4u (5:25:08 PM): yeah
Just2cuite4u (5:25:24 PM): so mabe ill see you at the thing tommarow night....if we ever find out what time it is lol
JpokerkingX52 (5:25:35 PM): oh yea
JpokerkingX52 (5:25:39 PM): i'll be there
Just2cuite4u (5:26:03 PM): ok, i think i will be lol
Just2cuite4u (5:26:10 PM): if my mom does not have to work
JpokerkingX52 (5:26:23 PM): all right
JpokerkingX52 (5:26:37 PM): i really appreciate u being able to share all that stuff with me
JpokerkingX52 (5:26:46 PM): i know it must have been hardJust2cuite4u (5:27:18 PM): its nice to be able to have some one to listen....and hear. It was easier becuase i knew that you would listen
Catchup post for the events of
6-13-07 and 6-14-07
Thursday was the fund raiser for Chorus at Mcdonalds. James tachnically asked me out the night before lol but then he said that that did not count and that he would ask me out the next time he saw me. So we gave him a ride to the McDonalds thing, i sang and kate sang and then just as we were about to leave he sias "Wait......do you want to go out with me?" and I was like YES! lol
well Im REALLY HAPPY
here was the convo
Just2cuite4u (5:18:52 PM): neway...so what else would you like to know
JpokerkingX52 (5:19:02 PM): hmmmmmm
JpokerkingX52 (5:19:43 PM): do u want to hang out friday night
JpokerkingX52 (5:19:47 PM): just the two of us
Just2cuite4u (5:20:06 PM): i would love to....i just have to make sure i dont have plans
JpokerkingX52 (5:20:13 PM): me too actually
JpokerkingX52 (5:20:17 PM): i kinda did that on a whim
Just2cuite4u (5:20:32 PM): its ok lol what did you have in mind? if we can
JpokerkingX52 (5:20:50 PM): a date at friendly's maybe
Just2cuite4u (5:20:56 PM): sounds fun*S*
JpokerkingX52 (5:21:04 PM): just lately i've been feeling
JpokerkingX52 (5:21:08 PM): u know?
Just2cuite4u (5:21:59 PM): yea
Just2cuite4u (5:22:03 PM): i think lol
JpokerkingX52 (5:22:14 PM): I really like u
JpokerkingX52 (5:22:15 PM): like
JpokerkingX52 (5:22:17 PM): like u like
JpokerkingX52 (5:22:18 PM): u
JpokerkingX52 (5:22:32 PM): god i know that sounds so immature
JpokerkingX52 (5:22:40 PM): and i know that i shouldn't as u out of the computer
Just2cuite4u (5:22:41 PM): i really like you too....but u already knew that
Just2cuite4u (5:22:49 PM): lol nah its ok
JpokerkingX52 (5:23:03 PM): just so u know i didn't as u because i knew u liked me
JpokerkingX52 (5:23:09 PM): i just couldn't not
Just2cuite4u (5:23:21 PM): src="aolbart:/1024/id/2B00000259/3A2D44" unselectable="on">i know
JpokerkingX52 (5:23:27 PM): :d
JpokerkingX52 (5:23:28 PM): src="aolbart:/1024/id/0201E05FCA/3A2D44" unselectable="on">
Just2cuite4u (5:23:45 PM): well ill talk to my mom about our schedual friday, and let you know,
JpokerkingX52 (5:23:52 PM): so now that i've started
JpokerkingX52 (5:24:01 PM): wait
JpokerkingX52 (5:24:10 PM): i don't want to do this over the computer
JpokerkingX52 (5:24:20 PM): I'll as u next time i see u
Just2cuite4u (5:24:27 PM): oh ok lol
Just2cuite4u (5:24:35 PM): well you will be there tommarow night mabe?
JpokerkingX52 (5:24:43 PM): yea
Just2cuite4u (5:24:49 PM): me too probably
JpokerkingX52 (5:24:49 PM): in the afternoon
JpokerkingX52 (5:25:00 PM): i've got a test
Just2cuite4u (5:25:08 PM): yeah
Just2cuite4u (5:25:24 PM): so mabe ill see you at the thing tommarow night....if we ever find out what time it is lol
JpokerkingX52 (5:25:35 PM): oh yea
JpokerkingX52 (5:25:39 PM): i'll be there
Just2cuite4u (5:26:03 PM): ok, i think i will be lol
Just2cuite4u (5:26:10 PM): if my mom does not have to work
JpokerkingX52 (5:26:23 PM): all right
JpokerkingX52 (5:26:37 PM): i really appreciate u being able to share all that stuff with me
JpokerkingX52 (5:26:46 PM): i know it must have been hardJust2cuite4u (5:27:18 PM): its nice to be able to have some one to listen....and hear. It was easier becuase i knew that you would listen
May 31 2007
School is endingWell my trip to Ireland got cancled.............freedom is such a fleeting thing, and i worked soo hard to go on this trip too! its rather annoying, but all in all mabe its for the best. I can get a job now, and mabe a boyfriend, and have a few parties and celebrate the best HP summer ever!
April 26 2007
Sweet Emptyness
Ashley died. Ashley is dead. Ashley is gone.
These words mean nothing to me, they are deviod of depth, no matter what way you put them. I feel nothing. Though i cannot tell weather this is a good thing, or a bad thing. It has now been over a week, mabe two weeks now, since she fell asleep and never woke up. Why cant I cry, i want to hurt and mourn her, I want to be able to move on, but also I dont want to. It even seems that my family has even forgotten that she is gone.
At first I did nothing but feel, and it hurt. Then i started to become numb. I tried to cry, i taped pictures all over my room just to rimind me that there was somthing missing, that I should be sad. But I cant, I dont know what Im doing anymore. I should have been there to say goodbye. I should have been there for her, to hold her hand in the hospital, to look at her before they put her in the dark, in the dirt and and the cold. She was never meant to be cold and alone, she was meant to shine and laugh and dance. I miss her so much. I dont know what to do. I wish I could cry, I wish I could have said goodbye.
Ashley died. Ashley is dead. Ashley is gone.
These words mean nothing to me, they are deviod of depth, no matter what way you put them. I feel nothing. Though i cannot tell weather this is a good thing, or a bad thing. It has now been over a week, mabe two weeks now, since she fell asleep and never woke up. Why cant I cry, i want to hurt and mourn her, I want to be able to move on, but also I dont want to. It even seems that my family has even forgotten that she is gone.
At first I did nothing but feel, and it hurt. Then i started to become numb. I tried to cry, i taped pictures all over my room just to rimind me that there was somthing missing, that I should be sad. But I cant, I dont know what Im doing anymore. I should have been there to say goodbye. I should have been there for her, to hold her hand in the hospital, to look at her before they put her in the dark, in the dirt and and the cold. She was never meant to be cold and alone, she was meant to shine and laugh and dance. I miss her so much. I dont know what to do. I wish I could cry, I wish I could have said goodbye.
March 26 2007
Whats good comes of it all?
To scream, oh what a beautiful idea. To feel the air leave your lungs, and your ears to ring and the tears to come. The tears, no longer slaves to the thought of upsetting others, not to care, just to be, to scream, adn to cry and to feel. These thoughts take root in my mind, like a flowering spring tree that grows in a grove of pines, not belonging, but still beautiful. With its individuality comes a need to refresh, to let the rains come, like my tears.
At this point im sure my ramblings are nothing new. If you are still reading to this point, A: i am amazed, and B: You must truley have become accustomed to my blathering. But these events I am about to write about, may actualy be of some interest. Concidering they are part of a continueing scandalous and rather forbiden (in a sense) love story. Though the love story is in no resemblence or quality to that of Romeo and Juliette, nor Tristan and Isolde, it in its own sense has its own twistedness and depth.
I am entwined. As I would like to put it, tangled in a web, of somthing far more dangerouse than lies, I am tangled in secrets......in hidden smiles and broken hearted tears. you would think that the small confused and insignifacant strugglings of a teenage girl would mean nothing to the world, and they do...mean nothing that is. But I feel that in need to understand myself, i must explain it to others, though i know not how long has passed since this was written, nor who is reading, it may even be me who is reading this. Sitting next to a fire, or in my husbands arms, or perhaps in a hospitol bed, watching reruns of I love lucy on micro chips and holographic tv's.
Perhaps I should get to the point? I should start from the beggining, but I shant, sorry. To go back 4 years and start there would be much to much information for you to handle at one time. So i shall start at this past weekend. Keep in mind that this is not only a record of my romantic dealings, but of the important events I think deserve rememberance or recognition. (Wow i do ramble dont i?)
Wednesday I went to my first real funeral in many years. My friend Bobby's sister died, and I felt, even though I dont know him very well at all, that I must pay my respects. Partialy I was there to prove to myself though, that Bobby does note my existance, but more so I was there becuase of that silly string tied to a rib beneath my heart, and is attatched to every boy I find on my top 5 list. being empathetic, and sympathetic as i am, i find that my "Fallen angel brigade" instincts require me to help those who need it, wether they are deserving of it, or wanting it, or have no clue why I am giving it.
I cried, though i did not know her, she was beautiful, and I could tell by looking at the photos and seeing the spark in her eyes, and the smile on her lips that she was a very sepcial and loving girl. I know there is nothing you can say when someone loses somthing to make them feel any better, but one can always try in hopes of affording some consolation, wether it is just but saying it in your heart, or by actualy corresponding to thier face. I hope that my thoughts on Brittany as being a beautifull person afford some consolation to her and her family, though I say them only within my own heart.
Our family friends the R's arrived friday night, I dreaded them comming but I also was exited and happy. This weelend since then passed in a blur. Adam being as he always is, anoyed me and brought me to hate him as much as I love him. Last night I called him upstairs and kissed him full on the mouth to say good bye, but of course instead of getting those last few moments, my brother walks in and interupts. After enduring 15 whole minuits on trying to get him to leave, Adam became frustrated and left the room to watch a movie. I wanted so badly just to say what i wanted to him, ask what I wanted to ask of him, and kiss him one last time before another 2-3 stint of being lost and lonely. But no. This morning I woke up and with my final goodbyes to them , I made my attempts to get a moment alone with him once more. His mother told him to say good bye, he sat up on the bed, without even looking at me, said "Goodbye" and lay back down and went back to sleep.
If ever there is a moment you find your self insignificant it is in a moment such as this.
This evening the phone rang, and Tyler told me that he is moving to Georgia. In all likelyhood I shall never see him again, this breaks my heart, for he alone truly understands me, and treats me as If I am worth even some small ration of caring in this world. I love him, though i do not know in what way yet, and the moment I hung up the phone the tears came and i felt the pain I did myself those 6 months ago when I did the very same thing he is now faced with.
I have started and finished this entry now with tears, as I write this I have no more tears, but I wish for them to come, I want to scream, I wished to cry.-Pengrace
To scream, oh what a beautiful idea. To feel the air leave your lungs, and your ears to ring and the tears to come. The tears, no longer slaves to the thought of upsetting others, not to care, just to be, to scream, adn to cry and to feel. These thoughts take root in my mind, like a flowering spring tree that grows in a grove of pines, not belonging, but still beautiful. With its individuality comes a need to refresh, to let the rains come, like my tears.
At this point im sure my ramblings are nothing new. If you are still reading to this point, A: i am amazed, and B: You must truley have become accustomed to my blathering. But these events I am about to write about, may actualy be of some interest. Concidering they are part of a continueing scandalous and rather forbiden (in a sense) love story. Though the love story is in no resemblence or quality to that of Romeo and Juliette, nor Tristan and Isolde, it in its own sense has its own twistedness and depth.
I am entwined. As I would like to put it, tangled in a web, of somthing far more dangerouse than lies, I am tangled in secrets......in hidden smiles and broken hearted tears. you would think that the small confused and insignifacant strugglings of a teenage girl would mean nothing to the world, and they do...mean nothing that is. But I feel that in need to understand myself, i must explain it to others, though i know not how long has passed since this was written, nor who is reading, it may even be me who is reading this. Sitting next to a fire, or in my husbands arms, or perhaps in a hospitol bed, watching reruns of I love lucy on micro chips and holographic tv's.
Perhaps I should get to the point? I should start from the beggining, but I shant, sorry. To go back 4 years and start there would be much to much information for you to handle at one time. So i shall start at this past weekend. Keep in mind that this is not only a record of my romantic dealings, but of the important events I think deserve rememberance or recognition. (Wow i do ramble dont i?)
Wednesday I went to my first real funeral in many years. My friend Bobby's sister died, and I felt, even though I dont know him very well at all, that I must pay my respects. Partialy I was there to prove to myself though, that Bobby does note my existance, but more so I was there becuase of that silly string tied to a rib beneath my heart, and is attatched to every boy I find on my top 5 list. being empathetic, and sympathetic as i am, i find that my "Fallen angel brigade" instincts require me to help those who need it, wether they are deserving of it, or wanting it, or have no clue why I am giving it.
I cried, though i did not know her, she was beautiful, and I could tell by looking at the photos and seeing the spark in her eyes, and the smile on her lips that she was a very sepcial and loving girl. I know there is nothing you can say when someone loses somthing to make them feel any better, but one can always try in hopes of affording some consolation, wether it is just but saying it in your heart, or by actualy corresponding to thier face. I hope that my thoughts on Brittany as being a beautifull person afford some consolation to her and her family, though I say them only within my own heart.
Our family friends the R's arrived friday night, I dreaded them comming but I also was exited and happy. This weelend since then passed in a blur. Adam being as he always is, anoyed me and brought me to hate him as much as I love him. Last night I called him upstairs and kissed him full on the mouth to say good bye, but of course instead of getting those last few moments, my brother walks in and interupts. After enduring 15 whole minuits on trying to get him to leave, Adam became frustrated and left the room to watch a movie. I wanted so badly just to say what i wanted to him, ask what I wanted to ask of him, and kiss him one last time before another 2-3 stint of being lost and lonely. But no. This morning I woke up and with my final goodbyes to them , I made my attempts to get a moment alone with him once more. His mother told him to say good bye, he sat up on the bed, without even looking at me, said "Goodbye" and lay back down and went back to sleep.
If ever there is a moment you find your self insignificant it is in a moment such as this.
This evening the phone rang, and Tyler told me that he is moving to Georgia. In all likelyhood I shall never see him again, this breaks my heart, for he alone truly understands me, and treats me as If I am worth even some small ration of caring in this world. I love him, though i do not know in what way yet, and the moment I hung up the phone the tears came and i felt the pain I did myself those 6 months ago when I did the very same thing he is now faced with.
I have started and finished this entry now with tears, as I write this I have no more tears, but I wish for them to come, I want to scream, I wished to cry.-Pengrace
March 20 2007
Quiet
The house is abnormaly quiet tonight. Every one is at odds with eachother, no one is speaking, the only thing making noise is the refrigerator behind me. I'm eating dinner while i type this, alot has happened since Saterday. I have been in school for a record of 2 days. everyone is nearly as shocked as I am. I found out today that Bobby's sister died, i feel really bad. I was going to take some of my friends to the Funeral so they could pay thier condolences, but I had completely forgotten about my mom's exam comming up. Shes very high strung right now, i am trying to be understanding but sometimes its really hard.
dont have much more to say for now.Will enter tommarow.-Pengrace
The house is abnormaly quiet tonight. Every one is at odds with eachother, no one is speaking, the only thing making noise is the refrigerator behind me. I'm eating dinner while i type this, alot has happened since Saterday. I have been in school for a record of 2 days. everyone is nearly as shocked as I am. I found out today that Bobby's sister died, i feel really bad. I was going to take some of my friends to the Funeral so they could pay thier condolences, but I had completely forgotten about my mom's exam comming up. Shes very high strung right now, i am trying to be understanding but sometimes its really hard.
dont have much more to say for now.Will enter tommarow.-Pengrace
March 18 2007
St. Patricks Day
Today was St. Patricks day. I woke up around 8:30, my dad was yelling "Pengrace! Breakfast! Wake up sleepy head!" and I, being as tired as I am, burried under the covers and wished that I was still asleep, dreaming that I was dateing Chad Michael Murray. Knowing I could not for the life of me stop the day comming, i crawled out of bed and pulled on my stretchy grey yoga pants. Then i slumped down the stairs, trying to get my hair to stay out of my face. Dad had made breakfast, bangers, eggs, bread, and tea. Wow its been ages since i have had good Irish bangers, they tasted just like the ones grandma makes for us everytime we go over to see her. Then I had to clean all morning, mom made an appointment for us to get our nails done at 1 o'clock, but i was running late, and she was going to leave without me!
So i took the FASTEST shower that I ever have, i think it was a grand tottal of 3 minuits, bulled on a pair of jeans and a shirt, ran into my room, broke my brush trying to brush my soaking wet crappy hair. I grabbed a coat, my bucket of nailpolishes, some cover up, eyeliner, socks and shoes and carried them all out to the car. You can imagine what an idiot i looked like running outside in 1 foot of snow, barefoot, my hair dripping wet and carrying a container full of nailpolish. ( stop laughing its not funny! It was friggin cold out!) So we went to the nail place, and found that they were running late, so i read two People magazines and this one girl cept staring at me like i was a freak ( though i probably was concidering the my hair was froen in icecles and my coat was half on and I had tryed to put on eyeliner and coverup in the car....without a mirror. (blah scary) So mabe she had a right to be staring, i was a frightfull mess, but i still did not like her staring.
I picked out a nail polish and waited while my mom got a pedi and mani, reading yet another (boring) article on Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. My mom was almost done when she looked at the clock and saif "Im sorry, I don't think we will have time for you to get acrilics today, we will have to come back at the end of the tweek, we have to get home, and im supposed to pick up the cake in 5 minuits. Yeah i was a little dissapointed, but i was more....annoyed after what i had gone through to get there on time, and to have it all amount to nothing. GRRR!
Anyway, we had the party like we do every year. Laura came over and we hung out. The rest of the evening was rather uneventfull. Im on pan now, trying to squeee a few posts in. Its like 1 am and im still writting lol Im gonna go now, im really tired.-Pengrace
Today was St. Patricks day. I woke up around 8:30, my dad was yelling "Pengrace! Breakfast! Wake up sleepy head!" and I, being as tired as I am, burried under the covers and wished that I was still asleep, dreaming that I was dateing Chad Michael Murray. Knowing I could not for the life of me stop the day comming, i crawled out of bed and pulled on my stretchy grey yoga pants. Then i slumped down the stairs, trying to get my hair to stay out of my face. Dad had made breakfast, bangers, eggs, bread, and tea. Wow its been ages since i have had good Irish bangers, they tasted just like the ones grandma makes for us everytime we go over to see her. Then I had to clean all morning, mom made an appointment for us to get our nails done at 1 o'clock, but i was running late, and she was going to leave without me!
So i took the FASTEST shower that I ever have, i think it was a grand tottal of 3 minuits, bulled on a pair of jeans and a shirt, ran into my room, broke my brush trying to brush my soaking wet crappy hair. I grabbed a coat, my bucket of nailpolishes, some cover up, eyeliner, socks and shoes and carried them all out to the car. You can imagine what an idiot i looked like running outside in 1 foot of snow, barefoot, my hair dripping wet and carrying a container full of nailpolish. ( stop laughing its not funny! It was friggin cold out!) So we went to the nail place, and found that they were running late, so i read two People magazines and this one girl cept staring at me like i was a freak ( though i probably was concidering the my hair was froen in icecles and my coat was half on and I had tryed to put on eyeliner and coverup in the car....without a mirror. (blah scary) So mabe she had a right to be staring, i was a frightfull mess, but i still did not like her staring.
I picked out a nail polish and waited while my mom got a pedi and mani, reading yet another (boring) article on Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. My mom was almost done when she looked at the clock and saif "Im sorry, I don't think we will have time for you to get acrilics today, we will have to come back at the end of the tweek, we have to get home, and im supposed to pick up the cake in 5 minuits. Yeah i was a little dissapointed, but i was more....annoyed after what i had gone through to get there on time, and to have it all amount to nothing. GRRR!
Anyway, we had the party like we do every year. Laura came over and we hung out. The rest of the evening was rather uneventfull. Im on pan now, trying to squeee a few posts in. Its like 1 am and im still writting lol Im gonna go now, im really tired.-Pengrace
March 16 2007
Pan update- and stuff
Wow alot if going on, on pan right now. BBA is mostly the focus of my attention really. Midir is about to technically prorpose to Emily, Aly just had her twins! Aiden Dorian and Artemis Alaura! Cliadi decided to return to her old self, Fear is starting a new storyline with Lord Voldemorts replacement Shane, and I recently added Avalon to the picture, and she and Logan are begging a very long and interesting plott that is sure to step on one particular characters toes...but then again Kaitlyn deserves is after the way she treats Logan.
Also im about to start a new story line with Artemis over at UCM and Alan is supposed to become active in Yesterdays children along with posting with Shants at WS, wich is supposed to undergo a name change sometime soon......though i have not yet decieded what to re name it. Also just added Illiandra to BBA also and she will be writting with one of Joanna's other characters as soon as i can find the time (whenever that will be).
As for life, nothing much is new, found out the doctors are testing me for Lukemia (spelling?) wich is slightly unnerving. Im most recently reading the third Sorcery and Cecilia book (not as good as the first to, rather slow) and my brothers birthday party was last weekend ( note to self, discourage Jordan weekly not to make friends with whores like the one that was at the party) I also have become rather hooked on My Super Sweet Sixteen....must remember not to be jelouse of spoiled rich girls!
Tommarow is our annual St. Patricks day party, but this year it is adults only. I might be haveing Claudia over, which would be nice....or if not ill probably spend the evening with Mr. Darcy and a box of tissues. That or Mansfield Park. Maybe I shall even clean my room.
It is very late at night and for some odd reason i find myself wondering about why I cant be more like Rory from Gilmore Girls, dont ask....I dont know why I am wondering this. She just seems so focused, and ready, when im so damn scared that I will wake up one morning and have to use a crane to get me out of my bed. *sigh* Ok I have rambled enough for now............
-PengraceP.S. Note to self: Remember to call Marisa.
Wow alot if going on, on pan right now. BBA is mostly the focus of my attention really. Midir is about to technically prorpose to Emily, Aly just had her twins! Aiden Dorian and Artemis Alaura! Cliadi decided to return to her old self, Fear is starting a new storyline with Lord Voldemorts replacement Shane, and I recently added Avalon to the picture, and she and Logan are begging a very long and interesting plott that is sure to step on one particular characters toes...but then again Kaitlyn deserves is after the way she treats Logan.
Also im about to start a new story line with Artemis over at UCM and Alan is supposed to become active in Yesterdays children along with posting with Shants at WS, wich is supposed to undergo a name change sometime soon......though i have not yet decieded what to re name it. Also just added Illiandra to BBA also and she will be writting with one of Joanna's other characters as soon as i can find the time (whenever that will be).
As for life, nothing much is new, found out the doctors are testing me for Lukemia (spelling?) wich is slightly unnerving. Im most recently reading the third Sorcery and Cecilia book (not as good as the first to, rather slow) and my brothers birthday party was last weekend ( note to self, discourage Jordan weekly not to make friends with whores like the one that was at the party) I also have become rather hooked on My Super Sweet Sixteen....must remember not to be jelouse of spoiled rich girls!
Tommarow is our annual St. Patricks day party, but this year it is adults only. I might be haveing Claudia over, which would be nice....or if not ill probably spend the evening with Mr. Darcy and a box of tissues. That or Mansfield Park. Maybe I shall even clean my room.
It is very late at night and for some odd reason i find myself wondering about why I cant be more like Rory from Gilmore Girls, dont ask....I dont know why I am wondering this. She just seems so focused, and ready, when im so damn scared that I will wake up one morning and have to use a crane to get me out of my bed. *sigh* Ok I have rambled enough for now............
-PengraceP.S. Note to self: Remember to call Marisa.
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