April 26 2007

Sweet Emptyness
Ashley died. Ashley is dead. Ashley is gone.
These words mean nothing to me, they are deviod of depth, no matter what way you put them. I feel nothing. Though i cannot tell weather this is a good thing, or a bad thing. It has now been over a week, mabe two weeks now, since she fell asleep and never woke up. Why cant I cry, i want to hurt and mourn her, I want to be able to move on, but also I dont want to. It even seems that my family has even forgotten that she is gone.
At first I did nothing but feel, and it hurt. Then i started to become numb. I tried to cry, i taped pictures all over my room just to rimind me that there was somthing missing, that I should be sad. But I cant, I dont know what Im doing anymore. I should have been there to say goodbye. I should have been there for her, to hold her hand in the hospital, to look at her before they put her in the dark, in the dirt and and the cold. She was never meant to be cold and alone, she was meant to shine and laugh and dance. I miss her so much. I dont know what to do. I wish I could cry, I wish I could have said goodbye.